Hey loves, I’m Taylor! I’m a human being and licensed psychotherapist living and practicing in the DMV area where I grew up. I’m four months into being 30 and find myself in this active toggle back and forth between being deeply present and being in a trance of reflection – specifically on what I’ve learned from my 20somethings. I believe that all of our stories are intertwined, so this newsletter felt to be a fitting space to highlight an earlier part of mine to help others navigate the path.
the story
“This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do,” I cried.
“Me too,” he said.
We both sobbed for a bit, hugged, and then he opened the passenger side door to my mom’s car for me to get in. After our “I love you’s”, he closed the door and my mom began to drive out of the parking lot of our *formerly-shared apartment complex.
*Formerly, as in literally the night before.
But see, that is the trick of depression, it’s sneaky until it isn’t. And the night before, it was on full raging display. I had been managing Major Depressive Disorder (recurring) since I was 12 years old, so I had episodes before and he had witnessed them, but this night was just…..different. He couldn’t get to me, I couldn’t get to me, and I just sunk into the darkness in a way that coated my words, my behavior, and my energy. It was not okay. I was not okay.
After 7 years of study and practice, two degrees (one in Psychology and one in Clinical Mental Health Counseling), and hundreds of hours of clinical experience supporting others through therapy, my unhealed wounds had finally infected me. I bandaged them for as long as I could, but there’s only so much healing that can be done without understanding how deep the wound actually is. So we decided, 5 years into our beautifully flawed and endlessly loving relationship, that I should move out and prioritize my mental health in a way that I had never done before.
I was going home.
A late 20something clinical practitioner with no job, whose mommy had “felt something wasn’t right” and confirmed that she would be picking her up in the morning.
You couldn’t tell me that this wasn’t the beginning of the end.
the lesson
And actually, it was the beginning of the end. The end of bypassing. The end of assuming that I could pour from a cup with a hole in it. The end of not actually looking at myself as a human being with parts that do not wish to participate in society’s parade of bells and whistles but are being forced to. The end of not knowing how to balance. The end of forgetting who I really was, am, and always will be.
See, after a year of deep exploration, I realized that…well…I still didn’t know anything. And that was the point.
I was always so afraid to really look but it was the only thing I had to do to free myself. When I offered myself true curiosity (with the help of therapy, neuroscientific study, mind-body practices, and dharmic teachings) I was able to see how witnessing was enough. I had internalized the idea that I needed to somehow transcend whatever existed in the shadows so that it would no longer be there because THAT was “real healing.”
So in deepening my awareness, I learned that what lurks in the dark only lives there because it’s been pushed there, ignored, compartmentalized, and tucked away when all it wants is to be seen, witnessed, and validated.
It is the nature of being human, to be imperfect. There is no title, pedestal, profession, purpose, or work ethic that supersedes that. It is the reason we do not exist alone. It is in seeing who and how we really are that we are able to embrace our interconnectedness. And it is in the radical acceptance of our inter-being that we are motivated to be the most honest expressions of ourselves.
the light
If nothing else, my 20somethings pulled back the veil as a reminder that the light is always accessible, there is usually just something in the way. For me, that light is remembering that I am not separate from the divinity that is my existence.
There is a 1 in 400,000,000,000 chance that a person is born so me just being here writing this and you just being here reading this, is magical, and magic is a balance between light and dark, the seen and the hidden.
I have since learned to actually hold space for magic’s role in life because the one thing I know for sure now is that we may never know, and that’s okay, because we were meant to be. Nothing else. If you’re here, you’re doing great. Open your eyes and take a look.
“Enlightenment is when the wave realizes that it is the ocean.” – Thich Nhat Hanh