the story
It was Christmas Day in 2022, I was at my grandma's house watching basketball as I drained mini-bottles of wine brought to me by the same man whose texts I was ignoring after I’d summoned him to my hotel room the night before for a hookup I’d already regretted. The tears welled up in my eyes as I felt a new kind of sadness wash over me. After deciding to estrange myself from a second member of my family, it meant that I was now the one who couldn’t attend the usual family hangs I looked forward to around the holidays. I was now the one who got the texts later in the evening from my sister and brother, trying to coordinate an hour or two to see each other after they were finished with the rest of the crew. It was by far one of the most painful boundaries I’d had to put in place.
I then thought about the other side of my family, who’d pulled off a Thanksgiving visit the previous month that could’ve made it on Real Housewives with the amount of side-bitching, passive aggressive comments, and outright ranting that occurred after everyone left each other. As my mom and I waited to board our flights I remember telling her, my nervous system still reeling from the drama, that I was never doing this shit again.
It was official. I hated the holidays. They were a harsh reminder of how dysfunctional both sides of my family were, so much that I’d rather isolate than be around the majority of them. Or had to isolate, because I was the one who chose to detach from certain people in order to protect myself and my mental health.
Every Christmas for the past 2-3 years, I’ve cried. It kind of is what it is at this point. As you grow, the magic of the holidays naturally fades. For me, it left the sobering reality of both sides of my family. The thing about creating a life for yourself away from family is that it can often shield you from the regular bullshit that you were so accustomed to in your younger years. When you get thrown back into it, it’s a shock to the system. The holidays remind me of the heaviness that comes with unresolved trauma and peoples’ tendency to project it onto each other. Most years, I hibernate and shut the door to my room as soon as we finish Christmas dinner.
Now, before this gets too sad, let me lift the mood. Last year I decided to change things and take matters into my own hands. The holidays weren’t what they used to be and I had no control over anyone else but me, so what if instead I created new traditions? What if I chose to do things that brought me joy so that even if I did cry on Christmas, at least I’d made efforts to bring myself a little holiday cheer?
So that’s exactly what I did. Instead of traditional Thanksgiving, my mom and I ate a delicious dinner at a steakhouse in Chicago. In celebration of my new job, I footed the bill and felt really proud of that. I spent two nights at home before I flew back to the east coast to make dinner with my ex-boyfriend in his New Jersey apartment while we shared a bottle of wine and tried out Thanksgiving recipes for the first time, together. I loved every moment of it, and promised that as long as he couldn’t be home for Thanksgiving, I’d make sure Thanksgiving came to him. We’d have it together. I’m a great girlfriend, but anywayyyyy.
Over Christmas break, I did my usual hotel staycation in Chicago. I found a cute donut shop that I’d wanted to try and took orders for the small subset of family I planned to see. I ordered room service and spent slow mornings in bed, reading and drinking my coffee. On Christmas Day, I turned on Christmas movies and cozied up on the couch of my childhood home, surrounding myself in all the corniness I could to lighten my mood. I made do with what I had and what I could control, and though I still shed my little tears, I felt like I’d at least tried my best to make the day better.
This year, the holiday revamp continues. For Thanksgiving, I stayed in the city. I went to Solidcore in the morning and hit my step goal, ate unlimited slices of the pie my mom made, and enjoyed every bite of the delicious Thanksgiving spread at Zaytinya we had. We ended the night at Blue Note Jazz club and of course, watched Christmas movies. I was really content that day, relieved that I felt like I finally cracked the code to a holiday I could enjoy. As I plan to take the same approach to Christmas, I thought I might be ready to share some tips on how to survive the holidays when you’d really rather just skip to the new year. Let’s get into itttt!
in case you need them, here's a few tips to survive the holidays
First and foremost, try to accept what you can’t change. A lot of our pain comes from the desire to resist the truth. To not acknowledge it as what it really is. Give yourself a moment (or a day) to accept that things aren’t what you desire them to be. It sucks but it’s okay. Let the feels out so that they don’t block you from creating circumstances that work for you.
Determine the amount of time you’re willing to give without compromising your mental health. A few questions to consider: do you need to leave the function early for some “you” time? Do you have to stay at the family home or can you crash somewhere else? Do you actually have to go home at all, or could you go on a much needed vacay instead? Figure out what your limit is that won’t put you in a place that compromises your mental health. For me, I’ve realized that I need breaks and to keep my routine. When I’m out of my normal environment with the added stress of the holidays, I get irritable pretty quickly. Typically I spend my first half of Christmas break at my favorite hotel in a cute Chicago neighborhood that I love. I relax, unwind, and give myself some much needed me time. There’s workout options close by to help me regulate and I can indulge in whatever I want for a few days before I fully transition to home for the holidays mode. I then spend around four nights fully immersed in family time before I head back to NYC.
Know what you need to stay regulated. I know that I need activities. I need to do things and visit people I want to see and move my body. If there’s a day I need or want to stay entirely in the house, I make sure to settle down with a good show or lowkey activity to keep me busy, like writing for the newsletter. I make sure I see the people who do fill my cup so that I’m not as occupied with who I’m not seeing or what I may be missing out on.
Plan ahead. Is there anything you’ve never done in your hometown that you’d be excited to do? Is there anyone you’d love to see who’d make your holiday better? I always try to connect with a few of my friends, see my cousins, and hang out with my older brother (and sister and nieces if they’re in town). This year, I’m committed to not only doing that, but also looking real cute one night and parking myself at my hotel bar that’s known for being a Chicago hotspot. I might sneak in a girl’s night with my twin cousin so we can go out and be hot together as we love to do! I’m known to get into a little trouble when I’m home, usually messing around with someone from my past I shouldn’t be talking to. This holiday there will be none of that! Instead I’m going to look up restaurants I want to try and take myself on some solo dates, then I might even try a new yoga studio or the gym my hotel gives us access to. I’ve already planned my Chicago Solidcore classes with my favorite instructor, too!
Set boundaries in advance so people know to act accordingly. It’s a shitty but necessary conversation to have, and it’s better to know people’s reactions ahead of time than to deal with them in the heat of the moment. After cutting off communication with two family members, I had to make it clear that I wouldn’t be putting myself in any situation with those two people, period. It absolutely sucks, especially when you have to be the odd person out while the rest of your family is with each other. The thing I always remind myself of is that it might really hurt to not be around everyone, but it would hurt even more being around people who don’t know how to respect or treat me in the way I deserve to be treated. In addition to that, I’ve also had to set boundaries around specific topics and things I no longer will be discussing. It’s then on the other party to decide how they want to adjust (or not). If they don’t like it, you get to decide if it’s worth interacting with them.
Honor what will actually make you happy. It’s so hard to disappoint people, I know. But this holiday, I really want you to focus on what will make you feel your best and most comfortable. There’s nothing wrong with sacrificing a little for the sake of community, but know your limits and protect yourself so that nothing goes too far.
the light
Over Thanksgiving, I had this really sweet thought. The holidays in the present day aren’t at all like my childhood, filled with big houses full of family and food and laughter. These moments were wonderful while they lasted, but creating my own holiday experience to enjoy fills my cup in a different kind of way. That being said, this moment isn’t forever either. There’s going to be a time when I’m running around getting groceries to host a holiday dinner at my own big, beautiful home. My kids will be tugging at my legs asking to taste the food I’m making. My husband will be kissing my forehead, hugging me from behind, and manning the kitchen with me, smoking brisket because I love that shit and turkey is very unnecessary. We’ll create our own holiday with our own family, and that’ll be a really special era too. There is so much good to come — I love that for me.
I hope this little holiday survival guide inspires you and reminds you that you always have agency over your life. There’s so much possibility in creating a holiday that’s special for you, even if it doesn’t look like what everyone else is showing on social media. And if all else fails, know that I will be spending lots of time alone and am only an email or DM away if you need someone to take your mind off things.
Happy Holidays y’all ❤️
my matcha moment 🍵
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm sober curious right now. I've never really kept alcohol in my apartment and typically only drank socially, but now every time I'm out I find myself asking, “do you have any mocktails?”
I'm not going to lie y'all, I love it.
In getting myself back into the dating scene, my sober curiosity comes up a lot. So much of New York socializing and dating culture revolves around drinking, so now my quiet little experiment has suddenly become something I have to vocalize pretty regularly. These men always find a way to ask why (which is a little nosy if you ask me) but to be honest, it just kind of happened. I studied a lot of yogic philosophy this year, and after doing that the drinking didn't hit the same. Then I got my Oura Ring, which showed me the effect of approximately one cocktail on my body and next thing I knew, I'd traded in my Pornstar Martinis for a Peach Ginger Fizz. I've also realized that I love having a cute little drink in my hand to sip on much more than alcohol itself, so I don't need it to supply the vibe I'm looking for.
I'm not sure I'll ever say I'm fully sober because that feels like a lot of pressure and if I want to enjoy an alcoholic beverage every now and then, I will. However, this little experiment has really opened my eyes and helped me build my confidence in a new way that I did not expect. But before this turns into it's own mini-newsletter inside the newsletter, let me chill. More to come on this soon!