the story
My first night in Nashville took me back to my teens. I would stay up late in the dorms with my high school friends munching on snacks, giggling and gossiping until 2am after our dorm parents had left the common room. Except this time, my sister, nieces and I were gathered around their kitchen as my nieces spilled the latest on their high school drama.
I love being a young auntie y’all, primarily because I haven’t even hit my thirties yet and my sister’s girls are already 14 and 16. Babies are cute and all, but there’s nothing quite like getting to hear the jaw-dropping chronicles of the Gen Z high school girlies. MY nieces are alright, but I don’t know about the rest of these kids.
I could barely keep my eyes open on account of the two Aperol Spritz’s I’d had at the airport bar while testing out my flirting skills with a man sitting next to me, but I was trying my best. The high school tea was HOT.
“That’s! Not! Your! Friend!” my sister sang to her daughter as she danced around the kitchen.
“Next time she does something like that, remember me dancing just like this because I’m telling you now, that’s not your friend,” she finished.
By all accounts, my sister wasn’t wrong. As my niece detailed out this little girl’s offenses, I had to agree that she indeed was not her friend. But my niece, being the sweet 16 year old who still tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, was reluctant to hear her mother’s words.
This moment brought me back, again, to years ago in my own kitchen at home in Chicago. I had just recounted all the ways a friend had been driving me crazy. My mom’s response?
“Yeah, you’re gonna need to let that girl go.”
Blunt and to the point. I immediately caught an attitude, because how dare she say that about my good friend?
“Mom, that’s SO mean!” I’d snapped.
Despite how tired I’d gotten of this girl, I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without her. So I ignored my mom’s declaration and held on to the friendship for as long as I could. Even though it didn’t sit right, even though I was tired of her behavior, I didn’t know how to let her go.
As I watched my niece repeat the strikingly similar behavior to my own teenage self, I started to think about my friendship values, and how drastically they had changed since high school but even more so in the past six months. Connection, though incredibly important, had stopped being the main driving force I felt behind making and keeping friends. I’d started to look for something deeper and more meaningful. Most importantly, I’d begun to pay attention to how people showed up and how they made me feel.
the lesson
Don’t rush. The right friendships take time. That little conversation in my sister’s kitchen had sent me down a rabbit hole. Recalling my recent friendships that had come to an end, most of them had one thing in common: rushed intimacy. When you rush into closeness, it's easy to make assumptions about the depth of a friendship. For awhile, my logic had been this: because we talked every day and spent a lot of time together, we obviously were in it for the long run. Right? Wrong. Looking back, I realized that the friendships that grew too close too fast were more prone to breaking. Why? Because I didn’t take the time to get to know them before I jumped to conclusions about how close we were. When something seemingly out of character happened, I’d feel extra hurt because of the pedestal I’d put them on. Turns out, they hadn’t had to do much to get there in the first place — and that was the problem.
Stop staying just because you’re too afraid to leave. Have you ever stayed in a friendship because you didn’t want to be the person to end it? How about because you were worried you wouldn’t meet better people? Honestly, I’m guilty of both. What happens when you do that, however, is that you’re wasting energy on someone who doesn’t suit you. You’re also wasting both of y’all’s time. The reasons I held onto people were grounded in feelings of lack and unworthiness. I didn’t know if I could find friends who would make me feel safe and seen, so I stayed even when the treatment was less than ideal. What I’ve come to learn is not only my own worthiness, but the fact that it is so much better to step into the unknown in search of something better than it is to stay with people who don’t serve you.
Water what waters you. Friendship takes effort and reciprocation. It takes two people who actually want to know and understand each other. There was a time when I went out of my way to keep friendships afloat when the other person wasn’t putting in that much effort. My mindset was that if I didn’t put in effort, I wouldn’t get what I wanted. Though that’s true, I was failing to account for the other person who needed to show up too. Lopsided friendships aren’t fun. They’ll leave you feeling drained and insecure.
The friendship tiers are a real thing. Figure out yours and be real about where you stand with others. There’s nothing worse than realizing you’ve put somebody in a higher position on the friendship ladder than where they’ve put you. It sucks, but instead of trying to force your way up, it’s better to just leave it. Meet them where they’re at. If there’s one thing I do know, it’s that finding your people means you’ll never have to question or be disappointed about where you stand.
Know what you value and know what gives you the ick. I really want people in my life who are committed to their own growth, have goals that they work towards, are compassionate and kind, and who support me without me always having to ask. I want people who genuinely care about me and I also value those I can talk to for hours about everything and nothing at the same time. I value people who make me feel safe and seen. Things I don’t like? Women who don’t know how to decenter men. I once went to a networking event where one girl made it a point to always guide the conversation back to dating and the embarrassing ways she didn’t realize she was behaving in her own relationships. Thirst is real and that type of energy is really draining to me. Respectfully, I’ma need some of the girls to stand up. Until y’all do, I will be steering clear.
One last thing: the mid-to-late 20s friendship purge is real. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
the light
Everyone wants to feel like they’re a part of something, like they belong. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure it’s been proven that people who have communities around them tend to live longer than the ones who don’t. We need connection to survive, but this same desire often leaves us settling for friendships that don’t align with what we truly want and need.
My circle has gotten a lot smaller, yet I feel more fulfilled than ever. I’m getting the connection I need and deserve from people who are willing to show up and are open to me doing the same. I enjoy my own company more, and I’m only driven to spend time with those who fill my cup. The energy exchange between myself and other people is something I pay a lot more attention to. If it don’t feel right, chances are I’m going to stop engaging.
Lately, I’ve been feeling patient and trusting in the journey that I’m on. True friends are few and far between, but they’re worth the wait. Two years ago, I wrote a newsletter on building community as an adult. For the first time in a long time, I’d felt included in everything and I loved that. Time has shown me that inclusion is only one piece of a very important puzzle. Real friendship is so much more than that.
“I like you for exactly what you are,” a friend had written to me in a note she’d personalized to each guest at her birthday dinner. She’d detailed out a few sweet things in the following sentence and then ended by saying I was also a little bit of an asshole. I had to laugh, because she was right about it all. There was something so comforting about her knowing exactly who I am, the beauty and the bluntness of my personality, and still wanting to be there. That was the kind of friend I desired and deserved.
In the words of black mamas across the globe, if you’ve thought about a specific person while reading these lessons, that’s probably not your friend.
And in my own words, I’m here to affirm that you deserve someone who is.
my matcha moment 🍵
Yoga. At this point, if you're catching up with me the first thing you hear about is how much my teacher training has changed my life and perspective. Sorry not sorry! I love it so much and I love even more when I share the practice with others. There's nothing better than someone coming up to you after class and saying “I needed that.” !!!
There's just two more classes left before I wrap up the Courage Community Yoga Project. It's free, it's at 7pm on Wednesdays at Jane Bailey Memorial Garden, and I'd love for y'all to join me soon 💛