the story
“For someone who didn’t want to play We’re Not Really Strangers, you should know this conversation is going way deeper than that game would go.”
We didn’t need that game to prove that we absolutely were not strangers to one another. It felt like just the opposite, actually.
Have you ever met someone that you had an instant connection with? Not even the sexual kind, but the soft, sweet, safe kind. You just know, and they just know, that this is real. Last weekend I did, and it rocked my whole heart in a way I never expected it to.
I was out at a day party with the girls and having the best time. Beautiful black people everywhere, enjoying themselves, singing and dancing loud and carefree. The sun was just starting to go down when I caught the gaze of a man close by who’d been smiling at me. He had sunglasses on, and as I closed the gap between us, I took them off. He burst out laughing, knowing exactly what I was doing, and playfully asked me if he had permission to put them back on.
We danced, a lot. The longer the party went on, the more I melted into a something that intuitively felt right. Every time I looked into his eyes I didn’t see the hunger for my body (though I did catch him admiring my lil whine) or a man who wanted to test how far I’d let him go. I saw someone gentle, respectful, inquisitive. He was deeply enjoying me and I, him. A genuine sweetheart, I felt it in my bones.
He feels like the one.
I swatted the thought away that had crossed my mind only once before in my adult dating life. Girl, stop being delusional.
“So I want to tell you something. I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything sooner, but I’m not single.”
My stomach dropped. The brick wall I’d ever so slightly lowered rose back up. What the actual f*ck. It hurt, but I knew he didn’t want to leave me. So instead I let him walk me almost an hour home. What happened during that walk, and the two hours we stood outside my apartment can only be described as the whimsical, magical feeling of getting lost in each other. We conversed about a lot, eager to learn as much as possible, knowing that this would be the only time we had. He saw me, and I saw him. I’ll always be grateful for what he chose to share with me. I can’t count the amount of times the conversation paused as he looked deeply into my eyes and my smile naturally lit up. We’d both laugh and try to shake off the intensity.
“I’m going to miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.”
He stroked my arms and back as we hugged, neither one of us really wanting to let go. I sensed the restraint once again as he took a deep breath and tried to snap himself out of it. I watched him walk down the street. I wanted that one…and in that moment my heart began to hurt. The closest I had ever gotten to a man that showed, right off the bat, that he might be my match.
Too bad he was engaged.
the lesson
That person for you is out there. And he was the reassurance I didn’t know I needed. The first in awhile to really care about more than my appearance. The gentle, slightly awkward one who still managed to be so, so fine. The one who instinctively sensed my discomfort if someone got too close to us while we walked and softly said, “it’s okay, I got you.” The one who embraced conversations about growth and healing and family and what it means to be alone with yourself. The one who was mesmerized by me in my entirety, not just my looks. The thoughtful one in therapy. The highly intelligent man who clearly had plans. Lord help me.
Examples of your ideal person, even if they aren’t your person, are a beautiful reminder of what’s possible. Obviously, this situation is sticky. I’m not the type to pursue someone who’s taken and if he’d seriously crossed his own relationship boundaries I’d probably look at him differently too. As much as it pained me to witness someone I desired, who also saw me for me walk away with no real way to stay in contact, he gave me hope. He’s not the only man out there who’s capable of seeing me like that, and I know I’m going to find my own one day.
If it’s real for you, that’s all that matters. I almost tried to talk myself out of how I felt. I wanted to discount it because of the circumstances and because it wasn’t truly going to be what I desired, but I couldn’t. The day after, I walked six miles just to clear my head. I felt what I felt in my gut and it was not going away. That man standing in front of me was just different and it’s always better to embrace rather than ignore. I’m just glad I chose to be honest with myself, even if it was harder that way.
Sometimes the Universe likes to play games. Five days later (aka this weekend) I was on a date and having a pretty great time. We were waiting for our Uber to another bar when out of nowhere, someone stepped in front of me to say hello. I kid you not, the man himself appeared out of what felt like thin air to my lil tipsy brain. I was shook. I apologized to my date and pulled this man, who I thought I'd never see again, over to the side to talk. We exchanged excited words for a few minutes before the Uber came. Shoutout to my date, who instead of being salty as I told him the truth, grabbed my hand and let me lean on him for the rest of the car ride. I have no idea why the Universe so casually plopped him back into my life like that. It completely threw me off and I’d be lying if I said the subtle ache in my chest hasn’t returned. But we move, I guess.
the light
“I’m telling you right now, he’s coming for you. I don’t know how this many men have fumbled you but you’re going to find him.”
I could tell it wasn’t just a line he was using the night we met, he meant it. This man had no end goal. He was just saying what he felt was true. I know my value, my worth, the kind of man I want and deserve. I’m single af by choice, because I don’t settle anymore. The fact that he could identify and voice the things I love about myself the most with such ease, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, still meant a lot.
Because of him, real feelings were once again awakened in me after months of passing on the unserious men that loved to parade through my life. He was living proof that people like him really are possible and I’m finally attracting them. I really do love that for me and hope I experience many more men like that. On the flip side, it cut unusually deep when I had to remind myself that he was not mine to enjoy. He already had his forever.
Bittersweet, but not everything has to have a perfect ending. That’s just how life is sometimes. More than anything, I’m choosing to trust the Universe and let my life flow in the direction I’m destined to go in. Love is here, and this little encounter showed me that real romantic love might not be too far away either. Regardless, if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that I’ma always be alright.