the story
Give me today my daily bread
Help me to walk alone ahead
Though I walk through the darkest valley I will fear no love
Oh, my smile, my mind reassure me I don't need no one.
Jamila Woods’ sweet voice floated through my speakers, playing Holy as I did so many times before. This time felt different though. I had just moved into my first solo apartment that May of 2021. In the past 11 years, I’d always had a roommate. As I sat down at my desk (the couch had yet to be ordered) it began to sink in. I was about to live completely on my own for the first time in my adult life.
Was the door locked and bolted? The hell was that strange noise? If I forget my keys I’m locked out for real.
Those first few months by myself were a complete shock to my system. In some ways it was really easy. I didn’t have to worry about hogging the TV for too long or be cognizant of what time I decided to work out in the middle of my kitchen. I didn’t have to talk to anyone if I didn’t want to, but I sure as hell could talk to myself without anyone looking at me like I was nuts. Plus, I could be my true silly self with no one watching or judging my dance moves.
In other ways, it felt like a cold plunge into isolation — one I was not prepared for. I had no one to talk to whenever I ventured out of my room, no one to share silly things with that I’d found on Instagram or vent to when something was bothering me. A lot of my norm was changed in an instant and suddenly I was stuck with myself, alone, more than I ever had been.
So here’s the one thing they never tell you about living alone: there’s no real escape from what you’re feeling when there’s no one around to distract you. It’s just you and those feelings, unless you’re an expert at compartmentalizing (I, sadly, was not). Out of what felt like nowhere, my mental health had worsened and I was hyper-aware of all the things that were making me unhappy. It was uncomfortable to say the least, and quickly I realized that a lot had to change.
the lesson
When you’re alone, everything gets louder. There’s no sugarcoating how tough it was for me in the beginning, but I’d like to think that everything bubbled to the surface right on time. It was time for me to make moves, to try harder to make more friends in the city, to actively embrace new tools for my mental health, to reach a new level of independence, and to address the ways I was selling myself short. I could only take so many nights on my couch, engulfed in my own thoughts, before something had to give.
Instead of fighting what comes in the quiet, embrace it, dive into it, and move through it. When it comes to intense emotions, this is key. I have a habit of realizing I feel like crap, fighting the feeling itself, and then making it significantly worse by doing so. Resisting something will only make it come back tenfold. Believe it or not, it’s actually easier to let a feeling overcome you for a few hours than it is to keep pushing it off. In the moment it may feel like it’ll never end — the beauty of it is that everything is temporary. So bring on the ugly cry, promise it helps you feel better.
Remember to lean on community. Just because they aren’t right in front of you doesn’t mean they aren’t there. It was so easy to cut myself off from the world and not see anyone for a week straight; that doesn’t mean it was a good idea! Living alone means you have to try much harder to connect with others, so I had to learn to really reach out to people and put conscious effort into keeping my social life active. Y’all know how much that paid off. My connections, both old and new, are so much stronger than they were before and being home alone is that much sweeter after I make sure I spend time with the people I love.
the light
I’ll be the first to tell you that living alone is one of my favorite parts about my life. The adjustment period may have been a little tumultuous but honestly? Worth every moment. Most friends who come to my apartment tell me they understand why I’d never want to leave, and that’s because I’ve intentionally made my place into a little pocket of peace away from all the chaos. It’s a space where I can unwind, decompress, and find stability again. That wouldn’t be able to happen unless I worked through what was destabilizing me in the first place.
I love this little apartment. I love that I exhale every time I walk in the door. I love my massive bird of paradise that’s taken over my living room. I love the way the sun streams in extra bright during the winter months when the leaves are no longer on the trees. I love that it’s my place to be exactly who I need to be without any judgment. My sweet escape, my space to breathe. If there’s one thing that’s always on my gratitude list, it’s this place right here.
That’s my time for today y’all. Remember to spread the love this week and refer your faves using this link for a chance to win my special winter care package! Talk to you next week ☺️