First of all, I cannot believe we are already four stories in! Thank you to each and every one of you for subscribing and reading every Sunday ❤️
Second of all, I’ve gotten so much amazing feedback already but I want to give you a formal chance to weigh in. Is there a topic you really want to hear about? Are you interested in being a guest writer and telling a story of your own? Reply to this email with alllll your thoughts. Promise I'll respond!
This newsletter is dedicated to that one TikTok I made on becoming a boundary setting b*tch that got more traction than expected…ya girl was geekity geeked. Anyway, let’s dive into boundaries…
the story
Let me tell y’all a little something about me and boundaries. Up until a year ago, I barely had any. Countless things would upset me or rub me the wrong way, but instead of saying something I’d find a way to rationalize it and ignore my feelings. For me, it felt easier to try to reconcile my feelings on my own instead of expressing them and putting a boundary in place.
What I began to realize was that because so many people who were important to me were making me uncomfortable on a regular basis, boundary violations felt normal. I didn’t think anything was wrong, I just chalked up my consistent anxiety and discomfort to the way things were. Then things reached a tipping point.
With the help of my therapist (who actually reads this newsletter – hey girl!) I began to identify all the things that weren’t working in my relationships and figure out how to have the conversations I was dreading having. The truth is, I was scared that most people wouldn’t be willing to change their ways. If I had the conversation and they proceeded to still violate my boundary, I would have to decide whether or not to keep the person in my life. I literally hate the feeling of losing someone and up until recently tried to avoid it at all costs. This right here? A huge fear of mine.
It definitely came true a few times too. There are people who used to hold very important places in my life that are no longer in it because they weren’t able to adhere to my boundaries or didn’t react well to them. It hurt when it happened, but it also opened my eyes to the reality of what it means to radically love myself and honor what I need at all costs.
the lesson
The fear of losing someone should never outweigh our needs to feel safe, comfortable, and supported in any relationship. In many cases, the people I set boundaries with were the same people contributing to the crappy energy that was weighing me down. By choosing myself over their comfort, I was able to weed out a lot of people who were only willing to be in my life on their terms. It helped me create a circle of people around me who I know genuinely support and care for me.
That being said, closed mouths also don’t get fed. There were many instances where voicing a boundary actually strengthened my relationship with a person when they chose to honor it. It is such a good feeling when a person makes space to understand and respect a boundary instead of abandoning the connection at the first sign of conflict. There’s so much opportunity to form a stronger bond with someone in these moments of vulnerability, and I’ve grown much closer with people who chose to adhere to my boundaries and vice versa.
the light
Setting boundaries is still scary to me sometimes, but getting more comfortable with doing so has drastically improved my life. I feel more in tune with myself, safer in my relationships, and confident in the fact that losing a person because they couldn’t adhere to my boundary can actually be a good thing. Believe me when I say I am so much happier now.
Any time is the perfect time to identify and understand what your boundaries are. No need to let any more moments of discomfort pass by! Creating an environment that is safe and supportive of you is worth the effort. If you’re looking to learn more about what boundaries are and how set them, I *highly* recommend Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. This book changed the GAME for me and educated me on just how normal and necessary boundaries are. Let me know if you read it!
Talk to y’all next week!