the story
“Oh no, you have not done anything wrong, I have just needed time and space a lot lately.”
That was the last text I received from my good friend of over four years, after I’d asked her if everything was okay when she’d stopped checking in and barely replied to my texts anymore. Something told me her answer hadn’t been completely honest, but what was I supposed to do? The girl wasn’t exactly giving me the vibes that she wanted to talk about anything. I ransacked my memory, trying to figure out if I’d said or done something that might’ve upset her and came up with nothing.
You know those moments when your intuition kicks in so hard you can’t even pretend to ignore it? I’d known at that moment the friendship was over, and it felt like a punch in the gut. Our dynamic was full of so much joy and laughter and support. For her to peace out with no kind of real explanation had me questioning my whole reality, and it really hurt. For months she would pop up in my head and I’d rack my brain trying to figure out when things went wrong.
Sadly, I never got an answer.
the lesson
In my moments of frustration I may have mentally taken a few jabs at her being a June Gemini, but I digress.
I had to come to terms with the fact that I could be showing up as the best version of myself and it still wouldn’t matter. Whatever she felt, I wasn’t in control of. The decision she made was about her. Internalizing it as my fault when I was never given a choice to address her feelings would only prolong my own hurt feelings.
I don’t know about y’all, but losing those first couple friendships with people you had a real bond with hits hard. The worst part was that she couldn’t even communicate about what was really going on. It was just crickets – I was never given a reason why. As the queen of searching for answers and trying to find a logical conclusion, I had to learn to put my mind to rest. Now here was the Universe, challenging me to accept the blessing in disguise instead of forcing a conclusion in my head that may not have been the truth.
the light
Over a year later, she popped into my head one day. This time, I felt a rush of gratitude replace my hurt feelings as I recalled all the amazing memories we’d made over the years. We’d gone on so many great adventures and she had a huge impact on my life by being a constant source of positivity and light. She was there when I came up with the name for Bright-Eyed Joy and was my biggest cheerleader for the vision I had. We had so many shared moments of silliness, singing along to Lizzo in the car, midday Trader Joe’s trips on work from home Fridays. She wasn’t meant to be in my life forever, but she was meant to be there.
Meaning doesn’t have to be assigned to everything in order to move through something. In fact, searching for meaning often keeps us stuck. Instead of focusing on the ending, I choose gratitude and to go where I know I’m loved. Here’s your reminder to do the same ❤️
Talk to you soon!