the story
“So guys, I’m going to take some time away for now and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to resume the relationship.”
If I would’ve known the hell that would break loose after I spoke those words, I probably would’ve made an Irish exit and kept it pushing. But instead, said hell unfolded and I found myself grappling with a particularly strong and unsolicited opinion about how valid my reasons were for severing my relationship with a key player in my life.
It had been a long time coming. During the pandemic, I became closer with my family than I ever had been. We’d video chat for hours on the Marco Polo app, making up for lost time while we had absolutely nothing to do but sit in the house. It felt really good, until it didn’t. I began to realize that being in frequent communication with someone who’d caused me a world of hurt without ever being truly accountable was wearing on me. All of a sudden, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t convince myself that everything was alright when it wasn’t.
It was a hard decision already, made even worse by the guilt. In choosing to preserve my peace and heal, other people in my family would have to adjust to a new normal. I was bursting the little family bubble that we’d all grown to love, and that was really uncomfortable. The thing about family is that everyone is so interconnected. Lines are easily blurred, boundaries often ignored, and one move can create a domino effect on everyone around you. I loved the newfound closeness more than anything, but I began to realize that granting this person access to me was keeping me triggered on a regular basis. If I was ever going to heal, I needed a lot of time away.
the lesson
Just like a friendship or romantic relationship, sometimes things just don’t work out with family and it’s broken my heart every single time it’s happened. This particular relationship had weighed heavy on me my whole life. No matter how many times I tried again, tried to forgive, tried to just make it work, it never did. We try so much harder for family because they’re family, and at some point you have to reassess whether it’s causing you more harm than good. Now whenever I need a gut check I’ll ask myself, “would I still allow this person to have access to me if they weren’t family?”
Always check in: are you doing it for you or for the comfort of someone else? How much are you overextending yourself to keep the peace? In trying not to rock the boat, I was invalidating my own emotions on a regular basis. Because I wasn’t trusting myself and allowing my feelings to be real, I let the opinions of my family become more important than my own. Speaking from experience, don’t do that shit. If you feel something, it’s real and always valid. You are your #1 priority. If you don’t honor your feelings, you can be sure that no one else will either.
Family separation is hard - know your boundaries and stick to them. I had to be honest with myself about the level of contact I was capable of having and communicate that to others so that they knew what to exclude me from. It’s a really sad feeling when your family gets together without you, but for the time being it’s worth it if it means I can be at peace.
the light
In letting go of that person, I finally was able to begin healing parts of me that had been unresolved for a really long time. My self-worth and confidence had taken some major hits, and over the past year and a half I’ve seen a lot of really beautiful growth. I’m not gonna lie, the second I made the decision it felt like a huge weight had been taken off of me. You truly do have to leave something behind in order to grow, and I had to leave behind the person who made me feel small and unworthy.
All this time later, I’ve never regretted my choice. Maybe that’s because I began to understand the power I had within, the light that had always been there, and just how much I was capable of when I chose myself. Somewhere along the way I began to form a relationship within that was based on the willingness to love, protect, and honor myself at all costs. It feels like liberation and I never want to feel any different.
Take it from me: severing a family tie is never easy, but it’s always worth it if it means you get to preserve your wellbeing. As we head into the final stretch of the holidays, I simply ask that you make sure you honor your feelings and know what your boundaries are. Rooting for you always ❤️