the story
The holidays always bring up a lot of feelings for me. Some years it’s all the warm and fuzzies, while others bring on the stress in ways I am never prepared for. Thanksgiving Day, however, has always been a bright spot no matter what. Crisp air, yummy heaps of soul food, goofing around with my cousins and catching up on a year’s worth of drama. As I’ve grown older, I’ve gotten really clear on why this particular holiday holds such a special place in my heart: community, both family and chosen.
This Thanksgiving was a small gathering with family out in the woods in Georgia and a much needed break from my life in the city. I literally got to go on long walks and smell fresh pine every day, plus have endless playtime with the sweetest dogs there ever were. Not to mention stuff my face with an unbelievable amount of spiced rum cake. That was all great, but the reality is that not everything was gravy while I was out there 🙃
To be real, I’m finding a lot of comfort in my chosen community right now. Despite some unfortunate events, I still love to use Thanksgiving as a time to really pinpoint what I'm grateful for, so during my downtime I decided to reflect on the many memories I’ve made this year with some really dope people. Curious to see what a gratitude list looks like? Here’s the one I made over Thanksgiving.
I’m grateful for:
Driving ATVs in Arizona like a madwoman and endangering the life of a guy I’d met for the first time during the trip, who’s now one of my closest friends
Conquering my fear of extremely deep water and swimming in Cenotes in Tulum with my big sister
All the book club meetings, happy hours, and brunches that led me to a community of black women that I always wished I had in college
The birthday brunch with my NYC community that reset the tone for 26 after a not-so-great time on my actual birthday
The time I danced the night away until 2am at an Afrobeats party in Chicago with a new friend
Taking advantage of all the work perks and going to a breakdancing world final and UFC 281 all in one night
Every single amazing conversation I’ve had with close friends over delicious food and drinks
Every DM, text, and IRL conversation I’ve received from my community in support of 20Something Stories
Getting a surprise drive-by on Thanksgiving from my high school best friend after four years apart
Every moment I’ve spent honoring my feelings, my boundaries, and going after my goals that has led me to the strongest relationship I’ve had myself yet
the lesson
For a long time I was really sad about the fact that I’ve never gotten to experience a healthy family dynamic on either side. I used to put so much pressure on the word “family” and sharing DNA with people, then would be let down when something hit the fan and reality set in. My family life is far from perfect, but in time I’ve realized that that’s okay.
Chosen community is a really special thing. There’s no shame in preferring that over a family dynamic that can never seem to straighten itself out. What’s great about choosing community is that no one is forced because of a shared last name or genetics, which makes it even better. Over the years I’ve built so many strong friendships with people who are genuine, supportive, and loving. It doesn’t make up for the things I miss within my family, but the community that I’ve created gives me all the belonging I could ever dream of.
the light
I mean, look at all those memories! Just writing this list and knowing I had so much more to add made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Despite a wacky start to the holiday season, I felt relief knowing that the majority of my life is spent with my chosen community — the one I couldn’t wait to get back to in Brooklyn. My every day life? Still pretty freaking great. Can’t wait for that post-holiday therapy session though.
To anyone out there whose time with family feels more like an episode of Real Housewives than a wholesome family moment: I see you and I feel you. Though family in the literal sense can never be replaced, take solace in the fact that there is always opportunity to create a community that feels right for you. Sending hugs ❤️