the story
“I’m done with this, I’m done with you, I’m done putting energy into us. Go to therapy,” I said. Just like that, it had ended. I was probably never going to see or speak to him again. The lack of care that had gone into it had stunned me. He had his one year old nephew in the room and was trying to wrangle him while simultaneously ending our relationship. He started by saying “to keep 100 with you…” Pathetic.
I hung up the FaceTime and contemplated what had just happened. I didn’t even cry at first. I was relieved. My nearly two months of hell had come to an end. The man I’d met in September and started a relationship with had told me he must’ve just been “infatuated” with me. That he didn’t have it in him to love me the way I needed. That part I wasn’t shocked about.
In the beginning of the year, the person I thought I might just spend the rest of my life with told me he was suddenly feeling “unsure” but wanted to fight for our relationship. So I did. Humans are messy, and I’d heard countless stories of people freaking out when something felt too real or good to be true, only for everything to be alright. We’d spent three months falling for each other, and during that time you couldn’t tell that man we weren’t going to have a future together. We frequently talked about our values, life goals, marriage, and children. It was all going to happen with us. He was sure about me, and after two years of the NYC streets it felt so good to have a man that just knew. Now I was starting to think it was more like a love bomb.
The next day I was mostly fine. I had been tired of worrying, tired of the way he had put a cloud over our relationship, tired of not feeling like myself around him, tired of summoning up the strength to work towards trusting him after he’d pulled the rug out from underneath me. His treatment had broken my spirit and trying to make it work had made me a shell of myself. I was relieved that it had finally stopped.
The day after that it hit me. In the middle of my workday after my coworker asked if I’d gotten my flight to see him. During boxing class as I punched the bag as hard as I’ve ever punched anything in my life, picturing his face and internally screaming “fuck you” over and over. On a walk to get smoothies after class as I sobbed into my friend’s shoulder on a Manhattan sidewalk while she consoled me. In the shower while the hot water poured over my body, surprising me that I even had tears left. I couldn’t believe what had just happened.
That Friday I’d gone to a Nike event for Women’s History Month and it felt like I’d walked into warmth. I don’t talk too much about the Nike Well Collective and how much the people in it are beginning to mean to me, but seeing the girls was everything I’d needed in that moment. The big hugs especially.
“You are glowing!”
Lol. It reminded me of the time my barista crush had told me my smile was brighter because clearly no man was stressing me out. It was true though. I was in my element, surrounded by people who were passionate about the same things I was. Getting a cute little embroidered sweatshirt to take home while drinking green juice. My light was beginning to shine through again.
That night I went out with a friend to a new spot that we determined we’d absolutely return to. The DJ was amazing, the crowd wasn’t too young, the venue actually had space to breathe (very rare in NYC). We were dancing, singing our asses off, and having the best girls night.
“Be good to my friend now!” The drunk guy we’d befriended said. I laughed. Little did he know the man I’d been dancing with would never hear from me again. I had to laugh as I drunkenly asked him when his birthday was and of course, it was the same as my exes.
It was a classic NYC night and I was so grateful. For my life, for feeling like myself again, for the community who spoke affirming words into me after I’d let a man stay in my life past his expiration date. My friend and I ubered back to my place, ordered Popeyes, and passed out before we even got a chance to eat it. It be like that sometimes.
Things were looking up for the first time this year.
the lesson
Try until you really are over it. A controversial take, I know. You might read my story and think I should’ve left the first time. The thing is, I did. I broke up with him and then he convinced me to “fight for it.” I wasn't ready to let go. As much as we like to aspire to be clean cut from complicated relationships, it often doesn’t work that way. Not when there are hearts involved. I know myself, and I know that if it feels like something is left on the table it’s harder for me to get over it. So I tried. And when he fooled me twice I had little to say. I made my exit.
Sometimes we just want to believe. That’s okay too. I can’t tell you that there weren’t things up front that made me feel uneasy. He pushed our relationship forward way too fast, was “sure” that we’d get married early on, and I’d been overwhelmed feeling like we were racing towards milestones. I was also really freaking happy. Cared for (initially) in a way I simply hadn’t felt. We’d literally goofy dance down his hallway and laugh together on the couch for hours. We had the best conversations. At a holiday party he proudly proclaimed he was my man to everyone in the room during introductions, embarrassing me but also making me giggle. We bonded over hikes together. Sweet moment after sweet moment happened and I loved every second of it. I loved having a man who I thought was sure about me. It felt like he could be my best friend. And for that time he was. I wanted to believe and tried to. I’m never going to knock myself for that.
Take accountability, but don’t blame yourself. Does that make sense? Situations like these can be a slippery slope. Shame spirals aren’t helpful, especially when there’s a whole other person on the other end who clearly lacked emotional maturity. The first time around I blamed myself. How could I not see it? Or worse, ignore it? The reality is, there was so much good happening that I let go of the little things that could’ve signaled something fishy. I take accountability for the things I chose to let pass, but I don’t blame myself for making what felt like the best choices for myself and my heart at the time.
Breathe deep. It’s (unfortunately) all part of the journey. I’ll be honest, this has been the worst two months, mentally, that I’ve had in awhile. My mind has been everywhere but on the things and people I love, trying to fight my intuition into making it work with someone it wasn’t meant to work with. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed, just human. My natural desire is to be loved and I put faith in the wrong man. Shit really do be happening.
Try your best to create a life you love before you start to date seriously. When I met him I was thriving in every aspect. I loved my life and all the people in it so much. Things were really, really good. Now that he’s gone, it is the biggest relief to already have what I do. My community of loving people are still here, opportunities are already popping up left and right, my social calendar is stacked, I’m about to start a training I’m incredibly excited about, and my workout routine is getting right back to regular. I have more than enough to focus on and come back to. That is a blessing.
Don’t date a writer and then fuck her over. I’m just saying. Because now look.
the light
Trust in divine detours. It was the meaning of one of the cards my energy healer pulled for me at the end of our session. This was one hell of a detour, but alright girl.
Truthfully, I’m already starting to feel better and it hasn’t even been a week yet. I’m definitely still in the up and down phase but the good moments and reminders of how great my life is really help. The crazy part is, by this time next year he’ll be categorized as the man who played in my face and nothing more than that. Pretty comforting if you ask me.
Y’all know I never give men room to really breathe on my platform, but this time was different. Outside of it being cathartic, I just want others to know that we all fumble love. As much as I’ve done some amazing work on myself, I’m not perfect. This part of my life I definitely don’t have figured out and I’m still working on weeding out the people who don’t deserve me before they get too far. So if you’re beating yourself up for trusting someone I just want you to know that it’s okay. You’re not stupid. You just want love to finally work out. But you will heal. You will get back up and try again. I promise.
About a week before we broke up, I prayed that I be shown the light at the end of the tunnel. God proceeded to swiftly move that man out of my life so that I could. Now there’s space for me to breathe and enjoy my life again until the person who can actually give me the love I deserve can find me. Until then I’m free, and for the time being it’s looking an awful lot like glow up szn.
my matcha moment 🍵
There is a LOT getting me through this time, so I present to you my Mental Health Toolkit: Healing From the Hard Shit Edition.
The Open App: I tend to do whatever is in their daily lineup, but Self Love Radio has been a personal favorite lately
Kirsten Ferguson Tread Walks: this requires access to the Peloton App and any old treadmill, but Miss Kirsten has been saving my sanity with her words of empowerment and walks that feel more like an advanced hike
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: research-backed exercises to help you build self-compassion
Bonita Music sets: idk I just love this guy and his mixes are wonderful for weekend mornings
Liana Naima: an incredible energy healer here in Brooklyn who has helped me move through a lot of stuff
Shxts and Gigs Podcast: these guys are hilarious and a welcome break from my true crime podcast addiction