the story
“Let’s face it, you were going to be much more successful than him. A lot of men can’t handle that,” my cousin told me.
I was sitting at her kitchen table, drowning in my own grief, while trying to get myself to eat a bowl of soup. I don't even like soup like that.
Whether or not she was right, a sprinkle of clarity ran through my mind. Throughout the course of that relationship, my light had begun to dim. My life and routine had drastically changed in order to be with him. I was unfocused, sinking into the happiness of partnership and not fully realizing how much I was giving up in the process. As much as I had going on, and y’all know it’s a LOT, I was still the one who bent and made things work while he stayed still. If the relationship continued, I’d be on a flight once a month to see him, trying to juggle my own routine, social life, professional career, and Bright-Eyed Joy, all while he didn't offer to change a thing. How the hell did that happen?
Something I’d mistakenly taken as an opportunity for improvement more than a bright red flag: he was never truly my cheerleader when it came to the things I loved to do. As my cousin pointed out my oncoming success and its possible threat to him, I began to think back on his energy whenever I talked about things I loved. He never read my newsletter and didn’t ask to subscribe. When he took one of my barre classes there was no support or appreciation of what I did. He never really seemed interested in what I had going on. I've always wanted someone who was excited and ready to support me, yet I found myself compromising on it.
We all do dumb shit for love, and every human being I know has done something in the name of love that they look back and regret. The feeling of affection, care, and companionship. The way a simple cuddle can quiet the thoughts in your head. The security of it all, is addictive. Enveloped in that safety net, it’s significantly easier to take energy from one area of your life and inject it into the person giving you that. Even if they don't deserve it.
“You do realize that most of the time, the good feelings you experience from a relationship are because you created them, right?” my cousin asked me.
Another moment of clarity. Thank God because my soup was getting cold and I needed to eat. I was the goofy and playful one, I was the planner, the hikes and get to know you card games were all my idea. I took myself out of my environment so we could be together more often. In the beginning, he'd put his best foot forward and slowly pulled it back. I began to overcompensate, and with no one else to carry that relationship with me, I was on the way to losing myself. The more all of this sunk in, the more I realized: I was sacrificing my time, energy, and effort for someone who wouldn't do the same for me.
I would never be able to truly be my best self, with him.
the lesson
Don’t take too long to grab hold of your life. The Universe WILL swoop in when enough is enough. It was time. I had been back and forth so much, unsure if it was worth putting myself through that level of pain just to be with him and “fight for it.” Clearly, I took too long. The Universe had to intervene and snatch me out of my misery. My ego would’ve loved for it to be on my own terms, but honestly, the way it happened doesn’t matter. It is and always will be a blessing to be able to leave that situation.
Even if you’re thinking of settling, your guides will not let you. I had put on rose-colored glasses and ignored anything that would make me take them off. It’s because of behaviors like this that we have guides to bring us back to reality. There’s simply no way I could’ve existed in that relationship and still reached my highest potential. I didn’t have a partner who could give me what I needed. I would’ve been miserable long-term and after he’d pulled the rug out, I already was. None of us are meant to settle for less than we deserve. Thankfully, our guides will fight for us even when we start to abandon ourselves.
Clarity doesn’t mean the grief goes away. As much as I have begun to understand all the ways this relationship was not serving me nor my higher purpose, I still cry all the time. We spent a lot of time together and did create something, no matter how fragmented it was. I’m still trying my best to be patient with myself as the waves engulf me. Going from spending five days a week together, to long distance, to the entire relationship being blown to bits by the same person who’d constantly talked about our future and told me that I was the “one” is a lot. The emotion of it all is the hardest thing I’ve had to brave in awhile, but ima make it.
Always listen to your intuition. I’ll tell you right now. Everything that made my eye twitch ended up being things that came right back around when all was said and done. If you feel it in your body, it’s real. Pay attention. I cannot WAIT until I fully learn this lesson myself.
the light
“Girl, I can’t wait til you find yourself a good man! It’s coming! With all these things happening so close together, can’t you see God is taking the trash out?”
My friend and I were giggling over cocktails as her words blew a surge of hope into my heart. I had lost a boyfriend, a very close friend, and a toxic ex-friend had spun the block trying to play in my face after four years of silence. Weirdo behavior. Somebody up there was cleaning house and testing me every step of the way.
I appreciated her perspective though. It gave me hope. There has to be a reason why this shitstorm of a time I’ve been having is happening. I choose to believe it’s because something, or someone, incredible is approaching.
Heartache has a way of bringing you closer to yourself, if you let it. As scary and daunting as it is, there's a purpose. I still do feel like my time was wasted, but I can't say this hasn't taught me a lot about myself. Where I might need a little more love, a lot more self-compassion, and real effort in making sure I keep my boundaries firm when I date.
It might always be f*ck that person who broke your heart, I truly get it. But within every heartache is an opportunity. To get to know yourself better at the very least, and at the very most, prove just how strong and emotionally capable you are of picking yourself back up from rockity-rock bottom. I got this, you got this, we got this 💛
my matcha moment 🍵
“Some people aren’t meant to go into the deep end with you. Let them drown. Your people will sink into your love and be in pure gratitude and bliss. Your people will meet your love and know exactly how to nourish it.”
Liana Naima told me this during one of our sessions and I wanted to share with anyone who’s single and ready for commitment. A bit harder to believe for those of us who haven’t experienced it yet, which is why it's just the reminder we all need ❤️