the story
“Hi precious, I love you.”
“You feeling ok?”
“❤️😘”
Moms always know, and her stream of unanswered texts was more than enough indication that something was wrong. If you know me, you know I call my mom most days because hello, who else will listen to my stream of consciousness thoughts without telling me to respectfully, stfu? But lately I’d been quiet, knowing that even the slightest change in my voice would alert her that I wasn’t feeling like myself and quite frankly, I ain’t wanna talk about it.
You know what I hate? Being down bad in the summertime. I’m supposed to be out here shaking my behind and sipping on endless Aperol Spritz’s, not waking up an anxious wreck trying to obsessively think and rationalize my way out of the anxiety spiral I’d gone down. Yuck. Cancer season has put me through the ringer for the third year in a row and honestly, I’m tired of all things water sign-related. I don’t know how y’all survive.
My own internal alarm system was going off. A “wake up b*tch, something needs to change TODAY” if you will. But the thing about being as frantic as I was, is that it rarely leads to any real solve or conclusion. It’s more like mental flailing until you get tired, go to bed, and do it all over again. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, it’s that I just have to start somewhere.
I called my big sister, one of my safest spaces, and told her everything that was on my heart. A few people in my community that I came across that weekend also got a very honest response to the standard “how are you?” question. Then I retreated inward. I half-watched Sex and the City. I wrote my heart out and felt better. Went to bed and woke up feeling worse. Up and down I went, wondering how long it would take to just rest in my familiar neutral state.
Slowly but surely I made my way through it, until the clouds broke one day. And yes, this absolutely coincided with a therapy session. I knew what was wrong, I knew what I needed, and mostly it all didn’t feel so terrible anymore.
the lesson
Be willing to move through the storm and stay vulnerable. I am the QUEEN of fighting my emotions instead of feeling them. I also am reallytrulynotgreat at expressing my feelings to people who I don’t have copious amounts of trust in. Unfortunately, surrendering to the chaos is just part of the process. You have to feel it first, before any resolution can take place. Then you have to express yourself, for the love of God! It’s a beautiful thing, but it also feels like a fire alarm going off in your head when you’re confiding in someone you haven’t yet built trust with. What’s worse, however, is becoming so emotionally constipated that you can’t regulate or feel much at all. Feel your feelings and let your people know, you’ll be better for it.
Your tools are here for a reason. Use them. Not going to lie, summer had me out here feeling myself so much that I slipped right on out of my workout routine. Who needs to work out when you can instantly cure your mood by walking outside into the sunshine? Turns out it’s me, I need to work out and stick to what I know will regulate my mood. I’m certainly guilty of feeling so good that I drop all structure in my life and just wing it. It’s all fun and games until you’re frozen on your couch, mentally paralyzed and wondering how you got there 😇
Just because a boundary is crossed, doesn’t mean you can’t walk it right on back to where you feel comfortable. Without getting into too much of what was going on with me, I’ll just say that I’d unintentionally crossed one of my own boundaries and felt extremely emotionally compromised as a result. Similar to dropping my workout routine, I’d dropped another important boundary I had with myself. Instead of saying to hell it with it, I came up with actionable steps to get me back to a place I felt comfortable. In terms of next steps (lol), I’m going to test out how I feel as I implement these boundaries.
the light
Stumbling every once in awhile isn’t so bad when you remind yourself that everything is temporary. Anxiety has a habit of making us think the worst, about ourselves and the people around us. It’s so much easier to get lost than it is to climb out. Even in the depths of it, I told myself a few things:
Everything is temporary, you’re not always going to feel like this.
There’s so many amazing experiences and memories to be made, and they’re right around the corner.
The more you allow yourself to feel fully, the less time it will take to make your way out.
You got this babes, you’ve done it before and you can do it again.
I’ve been told I’m good at pep talks so I decided to try my own. So far, so good.
To all my anxious girls (and guys) out there, I see you. This stuff is not easy, especially when it hits you out of nowhere. My request is that you never give up. Stay open to trying new ways to cope and believe in your ability to work through it. Though many of us will deal with it our entire lives, learning to manage it as best you can will make a world of a difference.
Wishing you all an anxiety-free rest of the summer, full of your drinks of choice and plenty of sunshine ❤️