Hello, my name is Kay Trotter. I’m an introverted, empathic, intuitive, nature-loving, health-conscious, 60-something year old work in progress. I’m still finding my voice, remembering to deep-breathe, and aspiring to help others who’ve also lost touch with their inner child. And, I thank my daughter, Ayorinde for this opportunity; she always gets me moving in the right direction!
the story
For most of my life, I lived dissociated, just being one of Mr. and Mrs. Trotter’s middle children: good grades, (for the most part) quiet, a voracious reader and doing as I was told. I lived during a time, or maybe in a family, where you learned to "be like Mike”. In my young adult years, I looked like a black version of a white female newscaster. Get the picture?
When I was 27 (close to the mid-eighties) after college at Xavier and upon returning to Chicago, I worked at a great place called Jobs for Youth as an employer service rep. I’d source entry level jobs for high school graduates, who really wanted to work, and help them prepare.
The Board had a villa in Montego Bay, Jamaica that all full-time employees could rent at drastically reduced prices. I took advantage of it with some friends. It was truly heaven! Swimming pool, three meals prepared daily by our friendly cook and eaten on the veranda, a gardener who kept the flowers flourishing and access to a white, hot, sunny, sandy beach. One day after breakfast, I viewed some women from town, further along the beach. They were braiding hair for a price, and relished the opportunity to share their culture. Now, mind you, I’d been wearing my hair like the newscasters I spoke of (and doing it very well) but feeling quite restless and conflicted at the same time. That feeling was bubbling up. So, I got my hair braided. It was priceless! The most empowering, peaceful and knowing feeling that I had up to that point in my life. I felt like I was home - an inner place/peace I had never experienced.
the lesson
The Ancestors will speak! When it was time to release my upbringing, conditioning and surrounding influences, the Universe (the Creator, my Ancestors and Spiritual Guides) let me know and supported me along the way. I had two parallel themes operating at once though: breaking free and healing myself of dissociation, which meant getting in touch with my child within (an ongoing affair) and the politics regarding blacks and their place in the world. Integration was the unspoken goal of that day. But, it hurt the personhood of so many blacks, as we gave up a lot of ourselves to get along and fit in. A great psychological toll it has taken, as this had been passed down through generations.
Eventually, I cut off all my hair and wore it like that for years (before it was popular). I grew, cut and wore locs off and on, and finally, came to the conclusion that peace within is the goal, regardless of hairstyle. Getting still, doing breath work and listening, reveals that if I don’t authentically communicate and help others, get out in nature, smell the flowers, walk barefoot on the ground, dance, and listen to music, then I’m missing my mark.
the light
Grounding with breath and stillness provides answers. I only had/have to listen and heed what is always there. The Universe has our backs! And, I’m carefully researching my eventual location in the sun.