the story
I had just gotten out of the shower that morning when I turned to look in the mirror and saw it.
“What in the HELL is this?!” I said to myself. Whew, chile. Panicked don’t even begin to describe how I felt as I took in my body, and whatever it was that had spread all over my torso. We all know by now not to try to WebMD our way to a diagnosis. I did it anyway (insert panic x10), but then made the more sensible decision to see a doctor ASAP.
“Has there been anything causing you major stress lately? That’s usually how things like this happen.”
That sweet nurse was unprepared for the never-ending list that spilled out of my mouth. Even I didn’t realize just how much I had been desperately trying to balance until I put words to it all.
“I can’t tell you what to do honey, but I think we might want to call this the last straw.”
Girl, who you telling?
I had been navigating some drastic changes to my life that left me feeling drained and defeated every day, juggling a calendar full of activities and people I adored, growing a social following, newsletter list and my barre classes at the same damn time, dating a Caribbean med student with a sexy accent who planned great dates and never let me forget how beautiful he thought I was, and trying to prepare for my mom’s visit to NYC that weekend, all while somehow managing to find time to sleep. 90% of it was actually positive, but that other 10% was overshadowing everything else and becoming impossible to sustain.
So there I was, at the doctor’s office, realizing that if I didn’t figure my life out my chances of breaking out my favorite bikini in the D.R. in a month were looking real slim.
the lesson
Leave it to your body to sound the alarm when you keep ignoring the obvious. I had been moving through life on coffee and autopilot and quite honestly, the only other indication that I was about to absolutely break were my therapy sessions. I’d start out thinking I really didn’t have much to say and halfway through our time be bawling my eyes out, complaining to my therapist that my mascara was supposed to be waterproof (but apparently not tear-proof?!). Even as I write this, I’m recovering from losing my voice and a cough that started seemingly out of nowhere. Our bodies are often a reflection of how we’re feeling inside, and may go to the extreme when we really need to sit down somewhere. Don’t be like me. Pay attention to the signs before things get too bad.
There’s almost always a way to do less, even if it doesn’t seem like it at first. My friend DaJuan calls me the BBIB (Busiest B*tch In Brooklyn) and tbh, I can't even argue with him when I look at the state of my calendar sometimes. My coach once told me that if ever my commitments began to feel overwhelming, I should turn my focus only to what gave me energy and leave everything else behind. That being said, some things you can’t just simply remove from your life. You can, however, adapt and change the things you are in control of. Y’all didn’t get a newsletter last weekend because I chose not to force myself to write after pushing through a very difficult week. My mom didn’t get some cute, planned out weekend in NYC but we still had a great time. As much as I love my friends and wanted to see them, I had to clear my calendar this weekend to rest. As hard as it can be to pause or shift things you care deeply about, sometimes it’s the only option. You’ll thank yourself later for it, promise.
As hard as making cuts can be, every now and then the Universe will throw you a lob and make it real easy. Pro-tip: play We’re Not Really Strangers with the person you’re dating. Add on the Honest Dating Expansion Pack if you really want to get down to it. Things had been going so well with the man who I’d affectionately called “med school.” After one night of my favorite card game, he’d dug his own grave. I had to send my signature cutoff text and say farewell to that fine ass man after a few of his answers were more than questionable. Given how short I am on time and energy these days, it honestly came as a bit of a relief. As DaJuan would say, “peace and love to that brotha.”
the light
Everything is temporary. The beautiful moments and the bad ones too. Thank God for that! When we’re in the thick of it, sometimes that little reminder is necessary. I’m far from figuring out how to perfectly manage everything on my plate, but I do know that the smaller steps (like canceling plans so I can literally breathe for a second) are crucial in helping us take the bigger ones. This rest right now, the peace and quiet I’m getting on a Saturday night knowing I’m about to go to bed at no later than 11pm? It’s setting me up to be able to think clearly on Sunday morning and start to figure out a game plan for the next few months. Don’t be afraid to pause y’all, you won’t miss too much.
Something has been in the air lately and I know I’m not the only one who’s been going through it. But guess what? Spring and warm weather are starting to arrive and pretty much everything is better when the sun is out. Me? I’m bout ready to step out with the girlies every weekend and have myself a beautiful NYC spring and summertime. Let that extra Vitamin D remind you that maybe life isn’t that bad, maybe it was just too cold outside. Crazy concept, I know. In the meantime, 4 Me by Don Toliver and Kali Uchis has been on repeat and giving me all the warm weather vibes to start this new season off right. Give it a listen ❤️