the story
“I just feel like everything’s going to work itself out. There’s the sweetest, most loving man out there who’s everything I want and deserve, but in the meantime I’m just not settling,” I told my sister on one of my 3 mile walks during a freakishly warm winter day. I was feeling a way and I knew that the knot in my stomach was my intuition telling me I needed change something, quick.
“Nah, city girls for life!” my 13 year-old niece yelled from the background. Why must we all go through it like this?!
I was sensing another ending that day and honestly, I was teetering back and forth between my own positive attitude and my niece’s. It is hard out here in these streets! In the past two months I’d found myself saying no and pumping the brakes in my dating life much more often than I was used to. The reasons varied, but ultimately centered around one thing: they didn’t align with my values or boundaries...or they just did something that gave me the ick.
This is a huuuuuge win and I know my therapist would agree. Instead of holding onto possibility or potential, I’ve been letting people go. Instead of seeing through rose-colored glasses, I’m taking everything at face value. Most of the time it’s pretty easy, but sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you feel that connection, know it’s different, and still have to dip despite how you feel…that part really sucks. However, it’s still so empowering to be able to quickly notice when someone isn’t in alignment and pump the brakes before things get too far. The definition of protecting my peace and I love that for me. At the same time it’s just a liiiiittle bit disheartening when you have to do it five times in a row. I wish I were kidding.
The fact of the matter is, I know what I want now and I have way too much that I’m striving for this year to be fooling with someone who could disrupt my peace and distract me from my goals. The second someone messes with my peace? It’s about to be a different conversation. I’ve worked way too hard to feel this good, ain’t nobody about to come up in here and take that away.
Y’all know where I was at with dating last year. I wanted no parts after a particularly rough bump in the road, but lately I’ve been dabbling for my own practice. As I finished up my walk that day, knowing the gut feeling in the pit of my stomach all too well, I consoled myself knowing two things: being single and free of nonsense has and will continue to produce some of the happiest times of my life and this moment is simply a reflection of all the amazing work I’d done on myself in the past year.
the lesson
Whew, chile. Where do I even begin. To the best of your ability, do not take things personally. I’ve encountered so many bad apples I momentarily tricked myself into thinking there was something wrong with me. It is not your fault that some people will pull up to you offering below bare minimum and still think they deserve a place in your life. It is your job, however, to weed them out as quickly as possible.
Enjoy the process as much as you can. There’s nothing wrong with giggling at your phone or feeling an energy boost when you’re going to see someone you’re interested in. It’s a good thing! I used to try to keep from getting excited because I thought that if I acknowledged the good stuff, it might feel even worse when things ended. Newsflash: it’ll suck either way, so might as well bask in the glory while it’s there.
Pay attention to their actions and don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s really uncomfortable being the one to dive into topics like what someone is looking for, a boundary/expectation, or even generally checking in about how the other person feels in the connection. The more comfortable I’ve gotten just asking whatever is on my mind, the easier it’s become to get answers that help me determine the best path forward for myself. People will tell you a LOT if you stop romanticizing them in your head, ask the necessary questions, and pay 👏🏼 attention 👏🏼 to what they say.
Communicate your boundaries early and often — it is not a reflection of you if people won’t live up to them. I once told a guy that I prefer when dates are planned (men can’t just be running up on me day of trying to “hang out,” the hell?). His response:
“You know most guys don’t want to do that right? I guess because you’re like, a different level of attractive, you can make that request.”
Pause for the mf cause. A 34 year old AI Research Scientist with a PhD working in Big Tech really said this. Should I do a newsletter on wild dating stories? LMK. Anyway. My very simple standard around planning dates helps me weed out a lot of people. It was disappointing at first, before I realized how much it really was a blessing in disguise.
Say what you feel and stop trying to be cool. I used to be so worried about saying something that wouldn’t be reciprocated or showing a guy “too many” of my cards. Who cares! If I like you, I’m going to tell you. If that turns someone off or makes them feel weird then they ain’t the one, period. Telling a person how I really feel has probably been the hardest thing to practice, but standing in your own truth is extremely empowering and will ultimately help both you and the other person get clear on how you really feel about each other.
Mind your energy investment. What has this person done to deserve your time and energy? Are you giving them more than you would a close friend and if so, why? Be mindful of how much you pour into someone before they prove they’re deserving of your time. Trust, this mistake has come back to bite me many, many times.
the light
The more I’ve gotten myself out there, the more I learn about what I want and how to quickly say no to what I don’t. It’s actually kind of amazing, because even if it hurts a bit in the moment, I still end up feeling much better knowing I removed myself from a situation that wasn’t right for me. Though romantic love is still a goal of mine, it’s not the only one I have. In the meantime, I have plenty of love to go around between my self-love, my friends, and my family. There is no better feeling than being able to soak up all there is to offer in the beautiful life I’ve created for myself and I’m really thankful for every moment.
That being said, I try to focus on the good stuff and I hope you start to as well. Dating in your 20s is a wild experience. Sometimes I think we all forget that just like you can find gratitude in the small and ordinary things, you can also find it in those really great moments you had with other people, even if it didn’t work out. That doesn’t mean you go full on delusional about who someone might really be, but it takes the edge off and might help us stop thinking about dating as such a terrible experience. Exploration, learning what you like or don’t, is a beautiful process. Sure, it’s going to sting a lot. Dating is a humbling experience. But if there’s one thing I know about most women (sorry to the men who subscribe, I have no clue how your bounce backs work) a big letdown only leads to a stronger, more actualized version of yourself. That’s pretty effing cool.
Find your voice, learn your boundaries, be true to yourself and do not avoid that gut feeling telling you to leave. Get very clear on what you want and deserve — don’t waver. If you do, PUHLEASE don’t beat yourself up about it. We’re all trying the best we can. I know I’m going to find what I’m looking for one day. I want you to know that for yourself too (if that’s what you want, of course). Let’s sprinkle a little manifestation love on that and call in what we know we deserve.