the story
“You don’t have to explain, Scotch.” He brushed braids from my face. “We can go as slow as you want. I’m ready when you’re ready. I’m gonna be here.” He smiled. “Trust.”
Now, tell me why this line made me burst into tears? My first thought: girl I know you are NOT crying over this book about 19 year olds! I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried reading a romance novel, or any book for that matter. But Honey and Spice ruined that streak. There I was, crying my eyes out over Malakai’s words that clearly hit a nerve. My book club girlies reading this are going to laugh but y’all, Chapter 22 really did something to me!
What he said wasn’t particularly remarkable, but this character had a tenderness about him that had bothered me all throughout the book. I remember early on rolling my eyes at how unrealistic the story had felt. I was cynical. It made me uncomfortable reading about his pure adoration for Kiki and watching their story unfold. As I wiped my own tears I realized why. I wanted someone to feel like that about me, to be unwavering about their intentions, to handle me with care, and that hadn’t happened in years.
There’s a reason I’ve waited this long to talk about my love life — it’s a pretty sensitive subject for me. After my relationship ended last year I’ve been working hard to learn my own boundaries and voice them. Though this practice has helped me dodge two major bullets since, both men that I had been various degrees of entangled with resulted in yelling, gaslighting, and intimidation tactics when they realized I wasn’t going to back down from the (very basic) things I required in order to be in my life romantically. It’s been disheartening, honestly. To get such drastic reactions over requests for consistent communication or respecting my time has absolutely caused me to recoil from dating in a way I never have. The way some people are liable to acting a complete fool in attempts to evade accountability has boggled my mind and left me scared to even slightly open up to another person.
the lesson
There’s a lot of power in choice. I can choose to make better ones, or at least ones that I feel much more confident in. With both men I allowed into my life this year, I chose to overlook glaring red flags that made it extremely apparent that they didn’t have the emotional capacity to be in relation with someone like me. I initially was really hard on myself for this, but therapy is teaching me to stop being so mean to little ol’ me who’s just trying to figure this love thing out. That being said, I know for absolute certain that after experiencing what I did I will be much more aware of the reasons why I choose to engage with someone and not let the “energy” of a connection be the only driving force.
Boundaries will save you so much trouble down the road. Implement them early and often. I used to be so afraid of telling a man what I needed and instead would try to reshape my own needs or compromise to avoid the inevitable conflict that would come with me speaking up. Clearly I’ve run into that conflict and it has been traumatizing AF, but I’ll take one terrible day (plus a few extra to recover from the aftermath) over months of being lowkey miserable because I’m connected to someone who isn’t meeting my needs.
the light
Though love has been a sore spot for me, I’m actually the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. Ruling out people earlier than I normally would and choosing to be alone instead has made way for me to really go after what makes me happy. Because I’m not diminishing my power in any way, I’ve felt more empowered to step out of my comfort zone. I get to dive deeper into my relationship with myself, invest even more time in building a community I love here in Brooklyn and beyond, and put real effort into the things that light me up (like this newsletter!). I’ve cultivated such a full and beautiful life for myself — quite honestly, I’m in no rush to fall in love. I’ll know when the right person deserves to be let into my world, but for now there’s plenty of self-love and love from my community to go around.
So many of us struggle in love, especially around this time in our lives. Let me be the one to remind you that you’re not “failing” when things don’t work out with someone for whatever reason. It's just all part of the process. Diving into yourself is just as wonderful as experiencing yourself in relation to someone else, if not better (in my opinion). There’s joy in discovering what it is that you truly love to do, who you are or want to be, the impact you’d like to have. So the next time you find yourself slipping into a decision you know isn’t the best one, turn on COVER GIRL by Bia (courtesy of my friend DaJuan) and keep it pushing.