the story
“I still deal with being upset that you seemingly weren’t taking it that serious even though it felt like you were.”
I was terrified to send that message. It felt raw and way too honest. At one point in my life, I would’ve thought I was giving up my “power” by telling him. In my head, being the one that seemingly cared more has always felt like a negative thing. Like, why I gotta be the one to give a sh*t!? Why I gotta be the one with the damn FEELINGS?!
I put my phone on DND and headed into dinner with Shannon (Ms. V-Day Guest Writer herself), calming my nerves with a glass of wine, delicious pasta, and one of those really juicy heart to hearts about all the nitty gritty life stuff. Surrounded by the love of a good friend, it was everything I needed in that moment. By the end of dinner, I was more than alright. Whatever happened, whatever his response was, I felt really good about the fact that instead of canceling him out with very subtle “f*ck you” energy (my initial approach) I double texted him and told him how I really felt. I was owning my truth and choosing vulnerability — in this case, it was the right decision for me.
His response? Actually, a pretty good one. We talked it out a bit, went our separate ways, and I felt even better than when I’d come to peace with it on my own. In that moment, I was so relieved that I’d put my pride aside and chosen to be fully honest. Not everything has to end in a bitter way. Because I let him have a peek at how I really felt, he was able to clearly address and acknowledge my feelings. Though it didn’t change my position on how much access to me I was willing to give him (none at this time) it allowed for deeper understanding between the two of us and a softer, more gentle parting.
the lesson
Being vulnerable is an extremely powerful energy. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. Finding the courage to voice what’s true for you and standing firm in it without caring how people receive it is a whole superpower. Practice it and get better at it. It’s a beautiful way to connect with your own heart and strengthen your relationship with yourself.
Not everyone deserves your vulnerability. Always go with your gut when figuring out whether or not it’s safe to be open. In this case, he’d already been very calm and receptive anytime I expressed my feelings, so there was less of a chance that he’d break out of that pattern. However, there have been times when someone has really hurt my feelings and I chose not to say anything. Past actions had deemed them emotionally unsafe for me, and the better decision was to use the tools I already had to reconcile my feelings without help from the other person.
It doesn’t matter what they think or how they receive it. I know this sounds counterintuitive since the idea is to open up to another person, but being vulnerable is about you. Did you speak your truth? Did it feel better after you got it out? That’s all that matters. It’s about advocating and creating space for your own feelings. Anytime you do that is a win in my book.
There are plenty of people out there who will receive your feelings with care. This one is much more personal to me after being burned several times for being open. A lot of people really are capable of holding space and hearing you out. This time I chose to f*ck around and find out, and I was pleasantly surprised. The sweet little reminder I didn’t know I needed.
the light
I had been honest, with myself and him. That honesty paid off in major ways. I was real with myself about the fact that I wasn’t comfortable with him having access to me and set the boundary. I was also real with him about why it had to be that way. I honored exactly what my heart was telling me I needed to do. It was just a (really nice) bonus that the conversation went as well as it did. As a result, I released someone who wasn’t right for me at this time, knowing I’m that much closer to finding the people who are willing to bring purpose and intention when dating me. How freaking amazing is that?
The term “wearing your heart on your sleeve” gets a bad rep sometimes. I think it’s actually a really beautiful thing. Being in tune with your heart and doing what you know is best for you is never something to be ashamed of, especially when it comes to dating. If you need to speak what’s on your mind, speak it. If you need to ask the uncomfortable question, ask it. If you need to change your connection based on new information, do it. If you need to set the record straight, get to straightening. And say it all with yo CHEST! Stand in them words! You will never be too much for the right person, Shannon lovingly reminded me that night at dinner.
So from me to you: wear your heart on your sleeve. Ain’t no shame in that. As long as you honor your inner compass, you will always be led in the right direction.