the story
Y’all told me on IG you wanted to hear about making friends as an adult, so buckle up because this is a long one!
When I moved to NYC in early 2019 I immediately fell into a close knit group of friends at work. We were with each other day in and day out. It was the first time in a long time that I felt I could be my full self without judgment and that was really special to me after feeling like I never found a place to fit during college.
Then the pandemic hit.
People moved cities, left the company, and as our new reality set in we all grew apart for one reason or another. It was tough, and by the time we were able to socialize safely again a lot had changed. Though I still had a number of close friends in the city who I loved, I didn't feel the sense of larger community that I longed for. Ya girl felt lonely AF. As a naturally communicative and social butterfly (who still loves time to herself and living alone – I think I'm an ambivert…) it totally sucked to not have a consistent group of people I could hang out with.
At the beginning of 2022 everything came to a head. The last straw? My best friend, who’s pretty much lived no more than a mile away from me since 2015, moved to South Africa for a year. I had been so happy and proud of her, that I didn’t realize how much it was going to totally break my heart when she left until it happened. Then I REALLY felt alone.
My vision board for this year was very clear about one thing: building community. I didn’t know how it was going to happen yet, but just like anything else, what you put into something is often (but not always!) what you get out of it. I was determined to get out of my comfort zone and create the community I desired.
the lesson
There are endless lessons I’ve learned while making friends as an adult, but I'll try my best to summarize.
Put yourself out there and follow up. Emphasis on the FOLLOW UP. So many people say “we should hang out” and then it never happens. Don’t be those people. For a long time I thought I would look thirsty or desperate asking new people to hang out. I was more worried about their reaction than my goal. Did they like me enough to hang out? Did I sound like I was desperate for a new friend? The answer was it simply did not matter. If, for whatever reason, they weren’t interested then bloop, their loss. Now if you find yourself constantly reaching out to a person who doesn’t reciprocate, that’s a different story.
Making friends is a lot like dating. Not everyone is for you. Sometimes it’s outright obvious, but other times it takes a second to sink in. For a while I was making new friends few and far between, so when I had a new one I’d hold onto them despite not being the best match. It’s okay to initially vibe with somebody and then realize they may not be the best fit for friendship. Pouring your energy into the wrong people takes away the time you could be spending finding someone who’s a better fit.
Intentional friendship building may take longer and more effort, but I actually prefer it over proximity-based friendships. Listen, I miss the days when everyone was stuck on a campus together and had no choice but to make friends too. However, having to put real effort into finding your people helps you understand who you actually like and want to spend time with. It also makes it crystal clear who wants to spend time with you. Life gets busy and I love being on my couch almost as much as going out and seeing people. That being said, there are people in my life who will always hear from me, even if it’s just a hilarious TikTok I found that made me think of them.
Making new friends taught me a lot about myself. I live in a city that’s all about being in the mix. However, getting drunk 2-3 days in a row every weekend leaves little room for much else and sometimes people pose all happy for that Boomerang but then go right back to feeling like they’d rather leave the function. I need balance and partying isn't the only way to socialize. Lately I've been trying to brainstorm more activity-based hangouts instead of just going out and getting lit.
the light
Put a lil’ effort into the stuff on that vision board of yours and magic happens. For the first time in what feels like forever, I’m starting to feel like I have an intentionally cultivated community in New York. I joined a book club with tons of other young black women in the city and meet at least one new person every time I go to an event. I’ve reconnected with people from college who I didn’t really know back then but now am discovering just how dope they are. I have a few new guy friends who are amazing people and are restoring my faith in men (wish this was a joke – it’s not). Not to mention, my OG friends who I’ve only grown tighter with. One lives in North Carolina now, but we FaceTime weekly and it always leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy inside!
Let me stop talking now because this is probably the longest newsletter yet and I’m clearly very caffeinated. My point is, there are so many people out there looking to connect with new people. You aren’t the only one feeling alone. Effort, consistency, and patience when something doesn’t work out as you’d hoped, goes a long way. It may take time to find community and not everybody is going to be your bestie, but trust me. They are out there. It is so worth the wait once you find them.