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the story
“The absolute audacity…I cannot F*CKING believe…”
I was mid-thought (really rant) on the train last Thursday morning when it pulled into the station. All at once, every single person in my car began charging off and I had no idea why. Now if you have any kind of common sense, you know that if everyone around you is running, you run too. A million thoughts went through my mind as I booked it out of the station in a full stampede.
“Do not trip and fall.”
“What if there’s a bomb?”
“Does someone have a gun?”
“I have no idea if I’m going to make it out of here alive.”
I made it, shocked and scared out of my mind. After I found out what happened, I called my mom at 8AM Chicago time and began to cry. Someone had decided to dress up in a ninja costume during peak NYC rush hour while carrying a Samurai sword through the train cars. The result? Droves of passengers panicking for their lives before most even had their morning coffee.
It was the last straw for me.
Earlier this month I caught COVID for the first time and the recovery period had been much longer than I thought. My work life had been picking up drastically between requirements to be in office three times a week and a busy fall season. I’d been constantly on the go, surviving off of my calendar, coffee and Google Tasks to remind me of errands I had to run, friends I needed to reach out to, videos that needed filming and groceries that needed ordering. To top it off, just the day before someone had decided to inappropriately go off on me because they were “in a mood." My nervous system was shot.
the lesson
Follow your own lead and listen, really listen to what you need when things get hard or overwhelming. I was hitting a wall and it had been building for a while. As I powered down that Friday I accepted the fact that I’d been going 110% for far too long and it was time to dial it back to a smooth 30% while I recuperated. It had been one hell of a month and a pause was needed. Guilt surged through me when I canceled plans and gave up writing a full newsletter. I didn’t want to let anyone down, but then I realized the alternative would be letting myself down. I chose me, and after the week I’d had, it felt so good to be meeting no one's expectations but my own.
My therapist tells me all the time to trust myself, and I’m still discovering just how much that simple piece of advice can be applied to all areas of my life. A lot of us are trained to keep pushing through even when the going gets rough. People pleasing is a MF. But guess what? Ain’t nobody looking out for you like you can. So trust yourself, and trust when you need to take a step back and reset.
the light
I’ve been spending a lot of time bringing myself back to equilibrium and it has felt so good. For me, that looks like binging TV shows (if y’all haven’t watched From Scratch on Netflix, you simply must), ordering wings, and a 10:30 bedtime on a Friday. Quiet Saturday mornings sipping matcha and reading a book are my absolute favorite. So are long walks, and last weekend I happened upon a beautiful community garden that I got to spend time in. I’ve been taking visits to my favorite coffee shop to journal, receive big bear hugs from my barista turned friend, and overhear caregivers tell little kids to stop touching the seat so much before they get “butt germs” on their food. That truly made me giggle. Recalibrating doesn’t have to be a big task, and I’ve found that small collections of moments are often what brings me back to center.
Fall is a busy time, so whenever you get to read this I want you to pause and take inventory. How are you feeling, really? If something is draining your energy, how can you support yourself? What’s one thing you can do today to bring yourself closer to center? Sending big cozy hugs your way!