the story
“I want to feel like I love myself and I don’t,” I told my therapist.
“Well, what does self-love mean to you?” she said.
I threw my hands up and sighed, because was it not her job to teach me how to love myself?! If she didn’t have the answers and was throwing it back on me, all hope might just be lost.
By that time I’d tried all the things that momentarily made me feel good. Working out, journaling, meditation, gratitude, taking a freaking bubble bath, trying new hobbies. No matter what I did, I could never fulfill this desire I had to truly feel love for myself.
Self-love is so complex. It’s a term that’s thrown around as the “key” to unlocking things like real happiness, success, your soulmate - the list can go on. Bottom line is that it felt like literally everything was riding on this one feeling I couldn’t seem to find within. Not only did I not even like myself very much, I was also deeply afraid that if that self-love never came I wouldn’t truly ever be happy and achieve what I wanted.
the lesson
I had to honor my feelings and act on them. I had to advocate for myself and my needs, even if that meant upsetting other people. One of the hardest things I’ve ever felt I had to do was set a boundary in the name of self-preservation, knowing that I’d potentially lose someone in the process. I’d spent the last few years deeply focused on how others perceived me, ignoring my own boundaries. It was signaling to my mind that I wasn’t worthy of my own love.
I began to tune in and ask, “what do you need?” instead of judging or ignoring what I was feeling altogether. It took time, patience, and pushing past some real fear, but getting to the other side was so worth it. For the first time in my life, I finally feel it. That strong sense of love and trust within myself. Most importantly, I act on it every single day.
the light
Self-love is dynamic – it means different things for different people. You have the power to determine how you feel most loved, so don’t be afraid to lean into your heart and listen closely. It’s a daily practice, but I have full faith that we all have the unique ability to dive deeper into ourselves and come back with our personal recipe for self-love.
If you ever find yourself trying to search for what that means, start with this quote from bell hooks’ All About Love:
“When we are loving we openly and honestly express care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, and trust.”
Take care of you. Give yourself affection. Be responsible for your emotions. Respect your boundaries. Commit to growth. Trust yourself.
Until next time y’all.