the story
It was my last week of yoga teacher training and the eight weeks had flown by. My life had been one chaotic blur of working my 9-5, three hour lectures and posture clinics (four times a week), squeezing time in for Solidcore, walks, and yoga classes, calling on nearby friends for spontaneous hangs when I needed a breather, and somehow completing each homework assignment in time for lectures. It was a lot, but it was worth it.
When I started training, I expected it to be this whirlwind experience where I’d end up a completely different person by the end. I wanted it to change me. After moving through several versions of myself in my 20s, ya girl was ready for a new one.
As my time in training came to a close, I didn’t feel all that different and it bothered me. I’d learned heaps of knowledge on yogic philosophy, postures, cueing, Eastern and Western anatomy, pre-natal and trauma-informed yoga. But the internal shift just hadn’t happened. Had I mastered detachment? No. Was I somehow able to approach tough situations with the utmost patience and grace? Lol. Nope. Was I ten times better at meditating now? Absolutely not. Did I start each day feeling present, grounded, and peaceful? I’m sure you get where this is going. After years of dreaming about the grand life transformation that would take place while completing my 200 hour, I was surprised when I felt like not much had changed at all.
I was starting to wonder if this stuff had actually “worked”. If I didn’t feel all that different, maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough during training. Not knowing what to do, I decided to study, lean into my asana practice more, and take small actions that further integrated yoga into my life. From there, the change came alright, and it was nothing like how I expected it to be.
I love yoga for many reasons, but a big one is because the practice itself strengthens the connection between your mind and body. That being said, this can be insanely uncomfortable. My intuition and nervous system? Going OFF. At all times. Any time something didn’t sit right, my body made it known and for once, I couldn’t avoid it. Things I’d been sitting on for ages became abundantly clear. Because of my yoga practice, I was suddenly in tune with what was either a “full body yes” or an “absolutely the hell not.” My crazy schedule felt impossible to maintain. I needed way more time to rest and genuinely wanted to be home more so I could do domestic shit. I craved time in nature, which is saying something considering I’ve been a city girl my entire life. Summer had begun in Brooklyn, and yet outside was not calling my name like it used to. I’d begun to reject big aspects and responsibilities in my life that I never thought I would.
Everything felt new, different, and very strange. Each morning I woke up feeling like a new person with new feelings and no clue what to do with them. On my daily walks, I found myself asking, “what do you really want?” over and over with no clear answer. So much of the life I built began to come into question. The personal image I’d constructed the past few years suddenly felt like the wrong damn one.
A year from now, what would you like to be known for?
I was in a goal-setting workshop at my job, and the question stopped me in my tracks. Writing down what came to mind, I realized that for once, my answer had nothing to do with big achievements, hitting major goals or going the extra mile. Instead, it was about how I wanted to feel and show up for those around me.
I’m known for being patient and a good listener. I’m a thoughtful contributor and make others feel seen. I am calm and present. I trust myself and my intuition.
It wasn’t the big answer to all the questions I’d had swirling around in my head, but understanding how I wanted to feel and show up was a start.
The week after, I flew to Nashville to visit my sister and teenage nieces. For the first time in a long time, I felt at peace. Maybe it was climbing up and down a cable trail that was basically scaling the side of a mountain (terrifying, but also kind of amazing). Or swimming with my family in a waterfall and not feeling the constant need to check my phone. Or going to a waterpark for the first time in forever and feeling like a kid again. Or maybe, it was finally feeling like I belonged somewhere after months of releasing people who didn’t value me in the way I needed them to.
I’m not gon’ hold you, I didn’t want to come back. I’d been exposed to a different way of life, a different way of feeling, and comfort I really needed. As I hopped on my flight home, the anxiety set in. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that it was okay, I was okay.
The training that I thought would change my life? She surely did her big one. My mental waters had been a wee bit choppy, and that was okay too. Nashville was the grounding moment I needed to bring me back to center, even just for a few days. It was a simple reminder and an undeniable truth. I was loved. I belonged. And at the very least, I will always be the auntie who may not be as cool as she once thought she was.
the questions I’m asking myself or ones you may be wondering about…that I still don't have full answers to
Girl, are you alright?! I think so? As crazy as this all sounds, I actually feel closer to myself than I have in a really long time. It feels like I’m fully honoring my feelings for real and I love that.
Will you ever give yourself a break? There’s layers to this that I’m still unpacking, but I will say I’ve slowed down my responsibilities a lot recently because it doesn’t feel good to constantly overwhelm myself with an endless to-do list. I’m very tired and I don’t want to move at the pace I was before. Something I’m eventually going to need to figure out is what stays, what goes, and what gets toned down because the life I was living? Unsustainable. Things are going to happen when I’m good and ready, hence why this newsletter got sent on a Sunday evening.
Are you sure you’re not the problem? I can’t say there haven’t been times where I’ve pointed the finger at myself and wondered if there was something wrong with me, specifically when it comes to how much tension I’ve had within friendships and relationships this year. The thing that saves me, however, is that I’m genuinely going with my gut here. For some people, I probably am the villain and that’s okay. Part of the reason I had so much trouble going with my gut to begin with was because I cared too much about what others thought and was scared of losing connections. There could very well be a time I look back and find ways I could’ve handled certain things better, but for now, I’m just proud that I’m honoring my boundaries.
Is choosing violence necessary? Probably not. But I’m not sure I care right now. Lately I’ve realized I have smoke for the ghosts of my love life past and unfortunately, our accidental run-ins have not gone well. Did I need to list all the reasons why a man had me fucked up after I unintentionally hurt his ego in front of his friends and he decided to let me know I “rubbed him the wrong way”? Probably not. But after doing nothing over the years but rub me the wrong way, I’d had enough of keeping my feelings about how he’d treated me to myself. There’s other, less dramatic cases with different people but the point is, because I have a history of not speaking up in my love life after crappy treatment, the men are catching fully intentional bullets and I simply can’t find it in me to take the high road. All that anger my therapist kept asking me if I felt is finally coming to the surface. Oh well!!
When are you going to start teaching yoga? If I get this (well-intentioned) question one more time….…I’m sort of kidding. The real is that a personal yoga practice is way deeper than barre will ever be. It’s a whole lifestyle if you want it to be and as you can see I’m dealing with a lot of growth just from the training itself. That being said, look out for a really exciting class offering that’s close to my heart very soon…
Is NYC too much for you? Right now, kinda. I’m not going anywhere soon, but my trip to Nashville helped me understand that long-term, a slower pace will be much better for myself and my future family. In the meantime, I need to leave this place more often.
the light
I am in the THICK of a transition period right now and it feels extremely weird. Every day, I wake up curious about the information I’ll receive about this new version of me. Does she still like to read? Has her favorite color changed? Will she ever wear her natural hair again? Will she abandon her whole insane NYC lifestyle and move somewhere more chill? I ain’t got the answers about what my next chapter looks like and who I’m growing into — that’ll take time. What I do know is that I’m moving forward into a life that honors and respects who I actually am.
Transitions are a lot, but they’re also a really beautiful time. I’m in the best shape of my life, my skin is glowing, I eat way better than I used to, I’m finally a yoga teacher after five years of wishing I was one, I feel really good about my circle and who I put my energy into, and no man is causing chaos in my life. What more could I possibly want? Lol, mental stability, but I digress.
Even more so, I’m no longer committed to being this overachiever who’s constantly blowing past milestones that I never give myself credit for. I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt who clearly show they have no desire to show up in the ways I need. I’m setting very clear boundaries with myself on how much I commit to within a given week because I've been running myself ragged and it really needs to stop. Again, things really aren’t that bad all things considered.
Before you feel frightened about a newsletter that’s clearly giving Saturn Return vibes that you may also experience at some point, let me just say this. As daunting as it may feel at times, it’s pretty cool to witness your own evolution. It might not always make sense or come at the right time, but when all else fails, guess what? You have permission to blow that shit up and begin again.
my matcha moment 🍵
Have y'all heard of the Yuka app? It has obliterated my skincare lineup now that I know every toxic chemical that I've been applying to my face for the last few years. Use it at your own risk, seriously. The bright side is, my search for clean products has led me to the Summer Fridays Rich Cushion Cream and the Osea Day Glow Face Oil. My skin has never been so soft and dewy and glowy. Thank me later.